You'll Be in My Heart

Wow, I've got a story here. After ten years of struggling with something, I feel like I finally broke through yesterday. Here's the background:

The week before Dallin was born, in May of 2000, Michael and I were both sick with colds and home from work. We rented Disney's Tarzan to watch on Saturday night but didn't get around to it. On Sunday is when we found out that Dallin had passed away and they started my induction. After a few hours my sister arrived. We didn't have our camera with us so I asked her if she could go to our house and pick it up. I realized that we might as well try to watch the Tarzan movie we had rented to try to keep my mind off of what was happening.

I don't even remember what happened in the movie now but I don't think we got more than ten minutes into it before I asked that it be turned off. First of all, I couldn't concentrate on a movie when I had such sad emotions to deal with. Second, the song You'll Be in My Heart came on. I couldn't believe how exactly the words fit what was going on at that moment in our lives. The gravity and sadness of it all was crushing. Well, since that day I never listen to that song with normal ears. I will always think about Dallin when I hear that song. Sometimes it's too much and I have to change the station. When I do listen to the thing, I cry. That's okay, but still...

Well, yesterday I made it through the song without crying. I had happy thoughts, thinking of how much we love our Dallin and imagining how he must feel about his family. We miss him every day, but this was a big day for me. So big, in fact, that I decided to download the song so I can listen to it whenever I want to. That's big news, ten years in the making.

There are some who don't understand that the love you have for a baby who is stillborn is as much as you have for your babies who are born alive. That sometimes leads to unintentionally hurtful comments. Two verses in the song even address those emotions we have had to deal with over the years.

Here are the words:

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always

The Post that BEGS for a Picture!

This is just a story. No picture. Boo. It could've been put in that "priceless" category. We'll see how well I tell the story so you can envision it.

It was Saturday. I was sick. Really sick. My throat was on fire, I felt awful and the worst thing was that the doctor had prescribed me some steroids to take so I wouldn't get "the cough". But if I was going to take them, I had to stop nursing Parker. Now I knew I was going to have to stop nursing Parker in a couple of weeks for Girl's Camp anyway but all of a sudden I needed to make the decision that very day to stop cold turkey that very day. And it was traumatizing, to say the least. So my body wasn't all with it and neither was my mind.

Parker woke me up that morning. I fed him and then handed him off to Michael because I had to go to an appointment (actually, I had to go stand outside in a line for an hour and 15 minutes...that was so not okay being so very sick as I was. Ugh.) I hadn't changed his diaper but I figured Michael would get up, get going with the day with the kids and change Parker out of his jammies. I told Michael that if I wasn't home by 9:30, he should put Parker down for his nap.

I got home at 9:45 and Parker was asleep. Great job, Mikey! The next few hours were spent with the other kids and trying to rest. At 12:30 I was making Evan and Maren lunch when Parker woke up from his nap so Michael went in to get him. It wasn't long before Michael was calling me into his room...with great urgency. I got to the changing table and there was Parker with his jammies open, no diaper on. And Michael says, "You didn't put a diaper on Parker??? He doesn't have a diaper on!!" What??? My mind was reeling. How could this be? How long had he not had a diaper on? Clearly it was true because he was absolutely covered in pee. All the way up his chest and down his legs and out to his arms. Ha! What a sight! I kept trying to figure it out. I must not have put a diaper on him Friday night...16 hours before! And I finally realized that it was completely likely because my mind was so messed up with trying to figure out whether to stop nursing or not. Michael was starting to peel his jammies off when he busted up laughing. I took a look. There, down around his ankle, was Parker's diaper. It had come off one side (probably because it weighed about a pound!) and slid down to the bottom footie of his jammies! As we discussed it through our hysterical laughing, we pieced it together:

Michael figures I should've told him that I didn't change Parker's diaper when I left. Probably true. I just figured...well, you know. So when Michael went to put him down for his nape at 9:30 he said he patted his bum and it felt dry. He thought wow, no pee in that diaper. Ha! Yeah, no diaper was the truth. It must've already been around his ankle by then. We can't quite figure out how Michael missed the swollen footie, but... So for Parker's three-hour nap he was totally commando and made a royal mess of his bedding and his whole self. What a joyous bath he had once we got control of ourselves. What a crummy moment to miss getting a picture of.

Speaking of Great Danes...

My mom called the other day just busting up, telling me to gray my July issue of Reader's Digest (if you think Reader's Digest is just for your grandma, think again! I love that magazine! You will, too. Give it a chance. I read it cover-to-cover. It's awesome! And I got paid zilcho for that plug.). I ran quickly thinking maybe there was a picture of a friend in there or something. I turned to the page she said and saw the biggest dog ever...literally! "Evan's dog"!! As I was reading the article, printed below, I just couldn't stop laughing pondering what our lives would be like in our little, itty bitty house with a dog who requires a queen size bed of his own. I couldn't wait to show it to Evan the next morning. He's going to need to move us out of this little shack if he ever wants a shot at a Great Dane. Ha!!!

Name: Giant George

Age: 4

Breed: Great Dane

Hometown: Tucson, Arizona

Claim to fame: Holds Guinness world records for Tallest Dog Living and Tallest Dog Ever

Height: 43 inches from paw to shoulder

Photographed by Tom Spitz

Length: 7 feet 3 inches from nose to tail

Weight: 245 pounds

As a puppy: “He looked so cute in his crate,” says owner Dave Nasser.

Now: “He kind of looks like a pony when he’s running.”

What he eats: 110 pounds of dry food a month, from a dish elevated 20 inches off the ground

Where he sleeps: On a queen-size mattress made for humans

Transportation: Rides around the neighborhood in a golf cart with Nasser. “Sometimes it’s hard to get him out.”

Favorite game: Tug-of-war (guess who always wins)

Social networking: With more than 42,000 fans, George may be the most popular dog on Facebook.

Video Playing?

"This video is currently not available. Please try again later."

Anyone else get this message when they try to play videos that aren't YouTube on here? I can't get anyone's videos to work (I thought maybe my own would work, but no!) unless they go through YouTube. Really buggin' me.

Spring Recital

Our sweet Maren performed in her second recital the week of our anniversary. It is really so cute...I just couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. Things I loved about it...she gets so distracted and while the bigger girls are dancing around, she's just watching them. I was at Zumba the morning of the dress rehearsal and got home just in time to get a shower and them drive to the rehearsal so Michael got her tights on. And he put them on backwards so her feet couldn't go into them right. That's why there are tails hanging out of the backs of her ankles. It would only be my child. Ha! What else? Well, she was always touching her ears - just like at the last recital. When I asked her why she was doing that, she said they were cold. Understandable, then. I loved the hairdo with the little bun that my mom did for her and her cute costumes and...well...Everything! For those of you who love Maren as fiercely as I do, you should enjoy these pictures and videos. If you love her any less, it may be a little much for you. But whenever I get around to making my Blurb books (think seven years, maybe), these will look great in it. :-)

I adore this sweet picutre of her. Way to go, Mikey! I love how her little tummy hangs over her skirt.

And for the actual recital I got her tights on the right way but unfortunately her shoe ties didn't get tucked in. Oh well, we can't have everything.

Maren and her almost-5-year-old BFF, Shalyn.

Your Dog???

I had a funny conversation with Evan today. The background is this... One night a few months ago I was gone for the evening. Must've been at the church for Young Women. Anyway the next morning the kids are talking about getting a dog when Parker turns two. Turns out that's what Michael told them while I was gone. WHAT?!?! Um, yeah, so now they think that's the gospel truth. Ha! That's number one. Number two is that Evan has a way of twisting things into being "his" instead of "the family's" or "yours and Maren's". And he has a way of changing decisions we've made as a family into the way he wants something to go.

So this morning we're innocently eating our cereal and this is how it goes:

Evan: Mom, are you allergic to dogs?

Me: I'm allergic to some dogs.

Evan: Are you allergic to my dog?

Me: Um, what dog, Evan?

Evan: The dog I'm going to get.

Me: Well, what kind of dog is that?

Evan: A Great Dane.

Me: Uh, who told you you could get a Great Dane?

Evan: I get to choose!

So now the family's dog that we're supposedly getting when Parker turns two (I love how I was completely ousted in the discussions about this - heehee) is Evan's dog and since it's Evan's dog he obviously gets to choose what kind it will be. So we're now looking for a new home for our boy and his dog because we certainly don't have a big enough house or a yard to house those two. :-) Silly boy.

13th Anniversary!

Not much to say about this other than...yahoo! Lucky number 13. Our anniversary was on a Saturday so all that week I sent Michael pictures of "unlucky" things to work...a black cat, walking under a ladder, breaking a mirror, etc. Each time with a note about how some people think this thing is unlucky. Then in my love note to him on our anniversary I told him the 13 reasons why I am lucky to be married to him. Ha! Not as fancy as my "dozen" anniversary last year, but it was still fun. I had to pull out some wedding pictures to scan and send to a friend yesterday so I thought we'd take a trip down memory lane. Yes, it's true, back "then" when we got married, there were no digital cameras so all of our wedding pictures are in a book and if we ever have a flood they will all be washed away. Maybe I should scan the rest of them. Anyway...the blessed day...

Nice watch tan line. At least I had some tan.

Ahhh...love the back of that dress.


Who are these little kids? Seriously, were we 15 or something? Oh, how the years weather us and...gray us and bald us and fatten us up and wrinkle us. Okay, I'm done now.

Michael Bybee, I love you like CRAZY!! How could I ever have realized the day we got married how much our love would grow together? It's truly amazing, isn't it? I look forward to the next 13 and the 13 after that. And the 13 after that. And the 13 after that...

10 Month Parker

Poor third child. It was a month or two that I didn't even get any pictures of him because we were out of batteries. I'm trying to make up for that now. Parker (alter egos: Parkey, Parkwad) is growing up too fast, in my opinion. You just forget how fast time flies in that first year. But boy, he's a fun one. I really thought the novelty of Parker would wear off for the older kids but it sure hasn't. Wherever he is is where they want to be. And not just to say hi. To smother him with kisses, give him hugs or try to get him to do "tricks". Yeah, we all do that, don't we? So here's some exciting stuff going on in Parker's life right now:

He's getting the hang of signing. He consistently signs "more" and "all done" - the important ones for such a big eater as he is. There is nothing this kid won't eat. And he eats a ton. Probably because his mother makes him almost no milk (dumb body), but still. Sometimes I worry about how much he eats.

But then again he's only in the 15th percentile for weight (per his 9 month appointment) so why worry? Poor scrawny little thing (with plenty of chub to go around, don't you worry). He was 17 lbs. 12 oz. I'm hoping against hope that he'll make it to 20 pounds by his birthday so we can turn him around in the car. The other kids didn't hit 20 pounds by their birthday so it was either wait and make them suffer through the backwards facing or break the law. I won't tell you what we did. Glad we've added some formula into his diet. Hopefully that helps.

He has two words: "da da" and "all done". He says tons more sounds, including mama, but those are the ones where he's intentionally talking to his dad or telling me he's all done eating. I particularly love "all done" as he waves his hands about for the sign and says it in his itty bitty baby voice. That's one to get on video.

Since we're still talking about eating, it's really gone up a notch on the messy scale lately. He's enjoying the throw-stuff-off-the-side-of-the-tray game. I'm pretty sure I swept the kitchen floor seven times today - literally. Hmm... The other messy thing is that he has taken away my spoon feeding rights. The second he gets his slimy little hands on the spoon, it's all over. It's his spoon and he won't give it back. He's fairly good at scooping stuff up and he's really good at getting it in his mouth. I try to remind myself that both Evan and Maren could feed themselves with a spoon by the time they were 12 months so it definitely has its benefits. We just have to go through this rough spot to get there. Here's proof of the cute mess!

Oh my, you can kind of see his mile-long eyelashes in this picture. Here's another one. Are they not enviable?

His incredible physical feats include the military crawl (Evan did the same, Maren did not), pulling up on things and waving. Oh, yes, he also does a mean impersonation of a bull during a bull fight. At least that's what Evan calls this picture (which I would not have included but Evan would definitely want it on here!). I was trying to get a picture of this mover and he just kept coming at me. That's why it's all crazy. And we're crazy in love with him. No bull.

That's a wrap on our cute boy for now. Oh! He's got one tooth. Just one. About halfway in. And we love that tooth. We just love the boy. We're excited for what the next couple of months will bring with this one. Love you, Parker Baby!

Long Time...

It's been a long time. Things have been ridiculously busy around here (I know, I know, what's new?) but I have so many things to get on here. Just from the past two weeks. And you know what I did to have the opportunity to finally write them all down? I took the day off. Now what that really means is that I worked during afternoon nap time for an hour and then for half an hour after the kids went to bed. Then I did Quicken and now I have one minute to do all my blog posts before I'm supposed to head to bed. Ha! Glad I took that day off.

So the past two weeks, ever since May 8th, have been eventful. We have passed through Dallin's 10th birthday, Mother's Day, Parker turning 10 months old, our 13th anniversary and Maren's dance recital. And I'd like to have a separate post for each of them. Maybe I'll do the easiest one first...

Just Writing...

I've been thinking about the good and bad today. And although I was feeling quite overwhelmed with the bad from yesterday and today, I realize that the good far outweighs. First, the bad...

Maren. She is sick, sick, sick. A couple of days ago she started with the infamous cough (as the doctor always says, 'It sure sounds like an asthma cough but her lungs sound fine.' That's pretty much what I heard all growing up...oh yeah, and still do!). Then everything escalated yesterday. Just the miserable-looking eyes with the runny nose, almost no voice, tired hurting body. She was a mess. After her nap she was sitting on the couch watching a show with Evan and I was on the computer trying to finish up my large assignment for the day. She came running in to me saying her eyes hurt. Hmm...pink eye, I figured. I told her I'd call the doctor and get some drops for them. Then all of a sudden she's freaking out because she says she can't see. What?!?! I look into her eyes. There's no goop in them or anything so why can't she see? I start to get a bit concerned, hold her on my lap, and check the status of her eyes on a regular basis. About 3 minutes after this she starts screaming in pain saying her thumb hurts. Random. I look at the thumb. Granted, everything had been hurting yesterday. And she was getting hurt left and right...biting her tongue, sitting on her fingers, getting hit in the head with the vacuum handle (yes, the vacuum does get used around here sometimes!). There seems to be nothing wrong with the thumb. I ask her about it and she is beside herself with pain, insisting that her thumb hurts so bad. I check it a few more times for a sliver or a bug bite or a bruise. Something. And then all of a sudden out pops this rash that goes from the base of her thumb, halfway up her arm. Looked like hives except little, tiny welts instead of the large ones. And it didn't itch. It hurt. Okay, enough weirdness for me. I decided to call Michael. Of course, he was with a patient and couldn't come to the phone. The lady he works with who was on the phone heard Maren pretty much screaming and made a comment about things not going well over here. I made the mistake of saying, 'Yeah, Maren's falling apart." Oh no!!! Did I really say that? Maren completely lost it...over the edge. 'I'm falling apart?!?!' My worrying was bad enough. I didn't need her thinking she was about to die, too. Okay, wrapping it up...I call the doctor's office and they tell me to bring her right now. That would be fine but we're in the bad stuff right now, remember? I had no car (you remember how much I LOVE not having two cars right now!). So then I call my sister and I think I probably demanded that she get to my house right away. Without question she got here in 15 - 20 minutes (it was a long, worrisome 20 minutes...with Maren's thumb pain not subsiding and her eyes only being marginal). To finish up with Maren, as we were turning down the doctor's street, I asked her how her thumb felt and she said, "oh, great". What about your eyes, Maren? "They're great, too." Wonderful. Doesn't it just figure. Turns out she likely has a crazy virus that does funny things like that. She does have an ear infection and possible pink eye. That was a lot for a mom of my caliber to handle. I think that when it comes to my kids I have an overly healthy level of paranoia. I know my kids are anxious to see Dallin, but I don't want that to happen until I'm long gone.

Then there's Parker...who also has the cold and pink eye. And as I was sitting at the desk at 11:15 last night with 30 more minutes of work to do, I threw in the towel. I was feeling really sick, too, and I just wanted to go to bed (I think I got to sleep somewhere around 12:45...ugh.)

So today has been another hard day with 2 1/2 sick kids (Evan is marginal but mostly okay). I think that mom's should get paid time and a half when they have sick kids and double time when they're sick, too. So how much would I be making today? Oh, yeah. Double nothing. Ha! But getting rewarded with lots of kid love (when they're not whining about feeling terrible).

Now, the good. Check this out. When my sister got here yesterday so I could take Maren to the doctor, she got hair clippers out of her car (she had been planning on cutting Evan's hair at her house but then we weren't able to go over there because of sickness and no car). Maren and I were gone no more than 20 minutes. When we got back, Evan was in the shower, rinsing off the hair from his haircut and Danica was halfway done with my dishes that I had yet to get to because nothing was getting attention yesterday other than Maren! Hello! That was amazing.

Today Sarah (yes, you, thank you) offered to bring over dinner which I happily accepted. I had grand plans of making something for dinner last night but when everything fell apart, we ended up getting pancakes and eggs. Ha! It always amazes me how wonderfully thoughtful, caring and loving the people in my ward and my friends are. I feel like they do way more for me than I am able to do back but I'm grateful.

I got a really small assignment today. I'll probably have it done only about an hour after the kids go to bed tonight. Now that's exciting! Maybe I can get some laundry folded or some dishes done or something. Yahoo!

And, lastly, I have something really exciting to look forward to. I am going to see A Midsummer Night's Dream on Saturday. And since it's totally crazy how that worked out, I'm going to write it down here. Michael's sister used to work with a guy who has season tickets to the ballet with his mom. We know him a little bit from visiting her at work and talking with him. He's been to our house a couple of times for family gatherings and stuff. Anyway, he's invited me a handful of times to go with them when they've had an extra ticket or something. But it's always on a Sunday. And he knows how tempting it is for me with ballet tickets dangling in front of me and that I don't do that kind of stuff on Sunday. But he wants to be nice so he still asks. And I've never taken him up on it. EVEN for Swan Lake...which I have never seen the full-length version of. Hello! Professional ballet dancer who has never seen Swan Lake...criminal. But it's true. And he went last year...without me. That was a bummer. Anyway, here's a curious string of events. When I saw that OBT was doing A Midsummer Night's Dream, I just thought I was going to die. It is one of my two favorite ballets to dance (the other one being Coppelia) and I had never been on the other side of the curtain, watching. I sent him an email saying that if he had any extra tickets for a day other than Sunday, to let me know. Well, he just went on Sunday. But do you know what happened? The power went out to the theater just as that portion of the program was starting. He had to get new tickets for another day. And do you know what day that is? This Saturday! And he has an extra one for me. Yay!

So, yes, there has been extreme chaos and craziness over here this last week but if I weigh the good and the bad, the good wins out. I am grateful for many blessings that I feel I don't deserve but am happy about. I'm grateful for friends and family who love us and help us. I'm grateful for an awesome Michael who calls and checks on my sanity, talks to the kids over the phone and helps take care of things when he gets home from work. I love my life.

No Captions Required

I was exhausted. I was sick. I gained weight. I had to go to 2 doctor appointments each week. I had 5 needles in me in one day. I labored. I puked. I pushed. I nurse all day long. I get up in the middle of the night. I change the majority of the diapers. And yet who gets all the credit?

Babies. He would be the third of ours who had that as their first word. :-) Good thing we all love Dad! Other fun stuff for him...he makes the greatest kissing noises. That one I'm going to have to get on video, too. Oh, it's sweet. He's now a tummy sleeper. Had never rolled onto his tummy before but I found him in bed like that one morning. Now it's just the norm. Meant we had to stop swaddling him, though. It was about time. Speak of the sweetie, he's crying in his bed. More later...

Brothers

Oh, they love each other soooo much! Evan would do anything for Parker and no one gets more love than Evan from Parker. I can't wait to watch them grow up together, see them play boy things together and just enjoy being brothers.

(By the way...can you see the shadow of Parker's eyelashes on Michael's jeans? Those things go on forever! Oh, to have such long, lucious lashes!! Lucky boy.)

Cousins

These two cousins are so cute! This was the first time I put them down on the ground together. Levi was all into the ball and Parker was just into Levi. He wanted to get his ears so badly!! Or anything, really. I have a feeling they're going to grow up to be best buddies.

Look Who's 3!!

Maren turned three last week. She was really, really excited about it...she's been 2 1/2 for a long time, you know? She feels very big now. She really enjoyed her princess cake (I know, I know...we are not professional cake makers. No comments required.), as you can see. And she loved getting girly-girl things for her special day. And what's beautiful about Maren is that she's so grateful for everything. Every gift she got she held close to her heart and said how much she loved it. And she hasn't stopped talking about any of her birthday gifts since then. She is very good about saying thank you for her gifts and giving lots of love to her givers. She's our sweet, *big* girl.