11 Years Ago at this Time...

I was in labor with our first child. It's strange how about a week before his birthday every year my subconscious starts to replay the events leading up to his birthday and, whether I'm prepared to or not, I end up having to face those images and memories head-on each year.

I was induced on Sunday. And the whole week before I had stayed home from work sick with a cold. That's a long time to stay home from work sick but I was really that sick. The crazy thing is that Michael was really sick, too. I think he's only been that sick a couple of times in the 14 years that we've been married and other than that, he's only been marginally sick a handful of times. So we spent the better part of a week sitting and laying on the couch together with a box of Kleenex on the edge and mountains of snotty Kleenexes on the floor around us. We watched lots of movies and TV and talked a lot. I've been thinking the last few days about how nice it was that we had that special time together (even though we felt so lousy at the time). It was a really, really nice calm before the storm and I think it brought us together in a strangely wonderful way. I'm really grateful for that.

So on that Sunday I realized that I hadn't felt the baby move for a while and tried the old tricks...drink OJ, lay on left side...to no avail. We went to the hospital and our lives came crashing down around us as we saw Dallin in the ultrasound with no heartbeat. On this day...11 years ago. And somehow my mind remembers all of the pain and plays through it every year at this time. Earlier today I was crying uncontrollably and poor Michael was at a loss because when he'd ask me what was wrong, I couldn't tell him because I didn't know. Oh, I knew a few things hadn't gone right today and I was a little frustrated about some others. But I just couldn't put my finger on it. Until I realized. Oh, yes, this happens every year without me realizing it's going to happen. It's a doozy.

Tomorrow is Dallin's birthday. He would be 11. It's also Mother's Day. Bittersweet. We had his graveside service and burial the Saturday after he was born and the next day was Mother's Day. That was hard. 11 years later it is still bittersweet but now there is much more sweet than bitter. Time does heal...never all the way, but it sure helps. And having three other happy, healthy children is really a miracle in my eyes. They help tremendously, too, although they have never and could never replace Dallin. I'm happy to say that I have four children. That's what I always wanted. I'm happy that the other three know all about him and can't wait to see him again. I'm happy to be able to celebrate Mother's Day tomorrow with a smile on my face and love in my heart for all of my children and for the honor it is to be their mother. And I'm happy that we can take flowers and the pinwheels that the kids picked out to the cemetery tomorrow. It will be a special time.

Last year, for his 10th birthday, I was going to make a blog post but I never did because I was afraid of the emotions. Today I'm going to make it. You see, I was a pretty normal weight when I was pregnant with Dallin...small and cute. After he was born, since I had no baby to nurse, the weight stayed put and somehow (though I barely remember eating for the next two months) I added much more. For all these years I've carried that weight around. Oh, I've dropped some pounds in the past, only to have my fertility jump-started and get pregnant and put it right back on. But I think I've carried it around because of the emotional baggage that I have from our loss. I decided that for his 10th birthday it was finally time to say good-bye to the weight and, thus, round out my healing. But I guess it just wasn't time. Now it's time. Doing Zumba twice a week and Curves three times a week is making me feel better about myself and my body again. I've got some seriously killer muscles under all this fat! :-) When I started on the Curves machine for the first time, the trainer asked if I was an athlete. I told her I used to be a professional dancer and she said she could tell. That made me feel good. I'd love to have my dancer body back. And, finally, 11 years later, I'm ready to face the challenge of letting go of the weight and letting go of the hurt.

Great Wolf Lodge 2011

In March (yep, a little behind) we went to Great Wolf Lodge. We just could not pass up a screaming group discount deal! Seriously, I wonder how that place makes money when you go with a group. Two days at the water park plus a great hotel room for less than a great hotel room would normally cost. It's crazy! Anyway, we had a blast, of course! Evan's favorite things were body surfing in the wave pool (see chin and rib abrasions in above pictures as proof), going on the big slides with me (because I act scared and he eats that up!), and racing me down the tandem slides repeatedly. Maren's favorites were also body surfing (she was so scaring me without a life jacket. She was totally reckless and crazy but loved every minute), going down the tandem slides for her first time and going across the lily pads in the deep pool. She was too short for the big rides but next time we go she will be a lot of fun to ride those ones with. She's our adventurous one! Parker just loved everything about it. The water, the slides, the ice cream truck "ride" in the arcade. He was a pretty happy dude. You'd expect nothing other than the last picture at the end of all of that fun. We can't wait for the next trip!

Parker - (almost) 22 Months

"One of these kids is not like the other. One of these kids just isn't the same..." Yeah, that's the song I sing a lot around this house...about this particular Rico Suave. Don't let his devilishly good looks fool you. He's a couple handfuls. The crazy thing is, who would believe me? When we're home he's wild, crazy, into EVERYTHING, loud, talking, running, etc. etc. But when we leave the house, he's a total mute, barely acknowledges other's existence and rarely moves from where he is put down. Ha ha! He puts on quite a show.

The truth about Parker is that he is so not mellow, it's ridiculous. Evan and Maren, it seems, really eased us into parenthood. Yes, they were pretty typical babies and toddlers but they didn't absolutely destroy the house on a daily basis. Parker, on the other hand... Let's see, yesterday he got into a lighter and razor blades, and dumped a bunch of that pink baby lotion on the carpet. Today he dumped out a box full of sewing pins. A couple of days ago he was in time-out three times before 9:30 a.m. - spitting, hitting, you name it. I sometimes wonder why I clean anything up because it just gets undone, and worse!, shortly after. Maybe I should let everything go until Parker turns three and then try to reign it all in again. Ha!

The good news is that that's not the only blessed thing about Parker. Although he's a handful for us, I realize that he doesn't scratch the surface of how mischievous some other kids his age are (hi, Beth). Some even call him tame. Okay, then. So what are the fun things going on with Parker right now? Well, first of all, speech, of course. He didn't have quite as many words at 18 months as the other kids did, but he's quickly catching up, probably adding about five new words a day. I LOVE this stage! Some of my favorites include, " 'mon" (come on), "where is?" (where is it?), marbles, apples, bubbles, I love you, thank you. Oh, there are so many! The thing that cracks me up is that if he's talking about an object, it is usually plural. Well, unless it's a ball, I guess. Everything else has an S on the end. Cuteness!

Parker, of course, called me Mama for the longest time. Just this past week or so he's realized he can just call me "Mom". Which was sweet. The first day. Now I would definitely say that my name is being taken in vain. "Mom?" "Mom." "Mom, Mom, Mom." "Mom?" Yeah, I'm grateful to be loved but maybe you could just call my name when you actually need to show me or need help with something, Buddy. I must say that he says it with the sweetest little voice but that word has been draining this week. And it's especially grating when it's being screamed at the top of his lungs from his crib when he wants out. Ugh.

Parker likes to do anything and everything that Maren and Evan do. No surprise there, right? He's at that age. The beautiful thing is that he's usually allowed into the group and everyone gets along swimmingly. Have I ever mentioned that the other kids adore him? Oh, yeah, guess I have. Well, it still hasn't worn off.

One of my favorite things is Parker's running and, even more, galloping. Oh, I could watch that galloping body all day long! He's so stinkin' cute. And to catch his cheeks bouncing up and down as he tears down the hall is hysterical. He also loves to dance and is getting into spinning in circles with the other kids and doing really fancy tricks like putting his head on the floor and only holding on with one hand. He's also trying out the crab walk which is quite cute and comical. Of course he always wants an audience when trying these fantastic feats.

Parker loves baths (what kid his age doesn't?) and is an absolute terror during them but you can't help but laugh. He gets water everywhere!! On purpose, of course. He thinks he's quite hilarious. During prayers, though, he is quite a reverent little boy...only unfolding his arms if there is some really, really good food really, really close that is just begging to be eaten.

While I do look forward to the day when he doesn't feel like he has to scavenge into every nook and cranny of our house in search of fascinating things to carry around all day, he really is a dream. He's funny and loving and silly and sensitive. Oh, talk about sensitive...the other week during a particularly PMSy moment with tears, he came over to me and wiped the tears off of my face and said, "ssssshhhhh". Oh, the sweetness. It's amazing how quickly toddlers learn about emotion. That pretty much made it all better. Anyway, Parker (sometimes known as curmudgeon or hooligan), we are so blessed to have you. We love you every second of the day!