Well, I can't believe I that the last time I blogged was four months ago. I have a list of about 50 pictures to put on here and some catching up to do. Maybe I've lost all my readers (ha ha - this may be a joke in itself). That would be okay this time because this one's pretty personal but I can not let this go without writing it down.
The short story is that I had a miscarriage four weeks ago tomorrow. Here's the long story about how a miscarriage was an answer to a prayer:
Shortly after Parker was born, I wanted to know whether we were done having kids or if we should have one more. There were many, many reasons to be done but I am a mother with strong maternal voices going on in my head. I wondered if we could have a sister for Maren (my sisters are so important to me!). I figured that if we were going to do it, we should just get it done soon since we weren't getting any younger (surprise, surprise). I prayed about it. I fasted about it. I took it to the temple. I talked to the bishop (can you believe he wouldn't tell me if we should have another child or not?!?! Ha!). And you know what? I never felt like I had an answer. I have never been so confused about anything before. Finally I told Michael that we needed to just make a decision. It didn't take a whole lot of thought to decide to be done. There are a whole lot of things that make this the right decision. So that's what we decided. And as much as I knew that was right, I have had "what if" questions in my mind for the last year or more. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to be 100% content with our decision. Plus, I never felt like I had the confirmation from Heavenly Father that we had made the right decision.
Michael and I found out I was pregnant on August 4th. It was a surprise, considering our precautions. And possibly miraculous? I don't know. Anyway, I never thought I could find out I was pregnant (this was the 6th time!) with anything less than pure joy. And it was very, very strange to me to find that I didn't feel joy. I felt fear and anxiety. For the next 6 days that I was pregnant I worried about 100 things. Although I figured that I would come to acceptance within a day or two (I mean, we were having a baby! That's something to be excited about!), I never really did. That's why when I had the miscarriage on the 10th, I was actually more relieved than anything. Now, before this experience, I may have assumed that anyone who was relieved about having a miscarriage was something of a monster and must not really love kids. Not so with me! I was shocked to be a witness to my own emotions.
And then I realized that before that happened, I looked at my friends who were pregnant or with new babies and I was jealous. I wanted back in the club again. I wondered how another baby would affect our family and our future. I thought about sisterly love. But after the miscarriage, all of that went away. Seriously, it went away that very day. I no longer have any "what ifs" go through my mind. It no longer bothers me that my sister has a new baby and I don't or that my BFFs have more kids than I do and I'm not quite measuring up (delusional thoughts on my end, not theirs!). It's gone. And then I realized that the miscarriage was the answer to my prayer. If I hadn't had that experience, I would've been asking what if for probably the next 20 years. Now I know for a surety that we have made the right decision for our family and, you know what? Our family looks that much more beautiful to me now. I could not be more grateful for the Lord's mysterious workings in my life. What I struggled so long to understand could not have been understood any other way. I am grateful that Heavenly Father knows us better than we know ourselves and he will send us the trials we need (and it was a trial even though it was a relief!) to understand answers to prayers and to grow and understand his power in our lives.
The short story is that I had a miscarriage four weeks ago tomorrow. Here's the long story about how a miscarriage was an answer to a prayer:
Shortly after Parker was born, I wanted to know whether we were done having kids or if we should have one more. There were many, many reasons to be done but I am a mother with strong maternal voices going on in my head. I wondered if we could have a sister for Maren (my sisters are so important to me!). I figured that if we were going to do it, we should just get it done soon since we weren't getting any younger (surprise, surprise). I prayed about it. I fasted about it. I took it to the temple. I talked to the bishop (can you believe he wouldn't tell me if we should have another child or not?!?! Ha!). And you know what? I never felt like I had an answer. I have never been so confused about anything before. Finally I told Michael that we needed to just make a decision. It didn't take a whole lot of thought to decide to be done. There are a whole lot of things that make this the right decision. So that's what we decided. And as much as I knew that was right, I have had "what if" questions in my mind for the last year or more. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to be 100% content with our decision. Plus, I never felt like I had the confirmation from Heavenly Father that we had made the right decision.
Michael and I found out I was pregnant on August 4th. It was a surprise, considering our precautions. And possibly miraculous? I don't know. Anyway, I never thought I could find out I was pregnant (this was the 6th time!) with anything less than pure joy. And it was very, very strange to me to find that I didn't feel joy. I felt fear and anxiety. For the next 6 days that I was pregnant I worried about 100 things. Although I figured that I would come to acceptance within a day or two (I mean, we were having a baby! That's something to be excited about!), I never really did. That's why when I had the miscarriage on the 10th, I was actually more relieved than anything. Now, before this experience, I may have assumed that anyone who was relieved about having a miscarriage was something of a monster and must not really love kids. Not so with me! I was shocked to be a witness to my own emotions.
And then I realized that before that happened, I looked at my friends who were pregnant or with new babies and I was jealous. I wanted back in the club again. I wondered how another baby would affect our family and our future. I thought about sisterly love. But after the miscarriage, all of that went away. Seriously, it went away that very day. I no longer have any "what ifs" go through my mind. It no longer bothers me that my sister has a new baby and I don't or that my BFFs have more kids than I do and I'm not quite measuring up (delusional thoughts on my end, not theirs!). It's gone. And then I realized that the miscarriage was the answer to my prayer. If I hadn't had that experience, I would've been asking what if for probably the next 20 years. Now I know for a surety that we have made the right decision for our family and, you know what? Our family looks that much more beautiful to me now. I could not be more grateful for the Lord's mysterious workings in my life. What I struggled so long to understand could not have been understood any other way. I am grateful that Heavenly Father knows us better than we know ourselves and he will send us the trials we need (and it was a trial even though it was a relief!) to understand answers to prayers and to grow and understand his power in our lives.
3 comments:
Oh Memory! I love you! So sorry to hear about your miscarriage but happy that it helped answer a prayer for you that might not have been answered any other way. Hugs!!!
What a beautifully expressed post, Memory. And what a beautiful family you have!
Wow, you've been through a lot. I'm glad you've come to peace with your decision. I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. That can not be easy to go through.
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