I was in labor with our first child. It's strange how about a week before his birthday every year my subconscious starts to replay the events leading up to his birthday and, whether I'm prepared to or not, I end up having to face those images and memories head-on each year.
I was induced on Sunday. And the whole week before I had stayed home from work sick with a cold. That's a long time to stay home from work sick but I was really that sick. The crazy thing is that Michael was really sick, too. I think he's only been that sick a couple of times in the 14 years that we've been married and other than that, he's only been marginally sick a handful of times. So we spent the better part of a week sitting and laying on the couch together with a box of Kleenex on the edge and mountains of snotty Kleenexes on the floor around us. We watched lots of movies and TV and talked a lot. I've been thinking the last few days about how nice it was that we had that special time together (even though we felt so lousy at the time). It was a really, really nice calm before the storm and I think it brought us together in a strangely wonderful way. I'm really grateful for that.
So on that Sunday I realized that I hadn't felt the baby move for a while and tried the old tricks...drink OJ, lay on left side...to no avail. We went to the hospital and our lives came crashing down around us as we saw Dallin in the ultrasound with no heartbeat. On this day...11 years ago. And somehow my mind remembers all of the pain and plays through it every year at this time. Earlier today I was crying uncontrollably and poor Michael was at a loss because when he'd ask me what was wrong, I couldn't tell him because I didn't know. Oh, I knew a few things hadn't gone right today and I was a little frustrated about some others. But I just couldn't put my finger on it. Until I realized. Oh, yes, this happens every year without me realizing it's going to happen. It's a doozy.
Tomorrow is Dallin's birthday. He would be 11. It's also Mother's Day. Bittersweet. We had his graveside service and burial the Saturday after he was born and the next day was Mother's Day. That was hard. 11 years later it is still bittersweet but now there is much more sweet than bitter. Time does heal...never all the way, but it sure helps. And having three other happy, healthy children is really a miracle in my eyes. They help tremendously, too, although they have never and could never replace Dallin. I'm happy to say that I have four children. That's what I always wanted. I'm happy that the other three know all about him and can't wait to see him again. I'm happy to be able to celebrate Mother's Day tomorrow with a smile on my face and love in my heart for all of my children and for the honor it is to be their mother. And I'm happy that we can take flowers and the pinwheels that the kids picked out to the cemetery tomorrow. It will be a special time.
Last year, for his 10th birthday, I was going to make a blog post but I never did because I was afraid of the emotions. Today I'm going to make it. You see, I was a pretty normal weight when I was pregnant with Dallin...small and cute. After he was born, since I had no baby to nurse, the weight stayed put and somehow (though I barely remember eating for the next two months) I added much more. For all these years I've carried that weight around. Oh, I've dropped some pounds in the past, only to have my fertility jump-started and get pregnant and put it right back on. But I think I've carried it around because of the emotional baggage that I have from our loss. I decided that for his 10th birthday it was finally time to say good-bye to the weight and, thus, round out my healing. But I guess it just wasn't time. Now it's time. Doing Zumba twice a week and Curves three times a week is making me feel better about myself and my body again. I've got some seriously killer muscles under all this fat! :-) When I started on the Curves machine for the first time, the trainer asked if I was an athlete. I told her I used to be a professional dancer and she said she could tell. That made me feel good. I'd love to have my dancer body back. And, finally, 11 years later, I'm ready to face the challenge of letting go of the weight and letting go of the hurt.
I was induced on Sunday. And the whole week before I had stayed home from work sick with a cold. That's a long time to stay home from work sick but I was really that sick. The crazy thing is that Michael was really sick, too. I think he's only been that sick a couple of times in the 14 years that we've been married and other than that, he's only been marginally sick a handful of times. So we spent the better part of a week sitting and laying on the couch together with a box of Kleenex on the edge and mountains of snotty Kleenexes on the floor around us. We watched lots of movies and TV and talked a lot. I've been thinking the last few days about how nice it was that we had that special time together (even though we felt so lousy at the time). It was a really, really nice calm before the storm and I think it brought us together in a strangely wonderful way. I'm really grateful for that.
So on that Sunday I realized that I hadn't felt the baby move for a while and tried the old tricks...drink OJ, lay on left side...to no avail. We went to the hospital and our lives came crashing down around us as we saw Dallin in the ultrasound with no heartbeat. On this day...11 years ago. And somehow my mind remembers all of the pain and plays through it every year at this time. Earlier today I was crying uncontrollably and poor Michael was at a loss because when he'd ask me what was wrong, I couldn't tell him because I didn't know. Oh, I knew a few things hadn't gone right today and I was a little frustrated about some others. But I just couldn't put my finger on it. Until I realized. Oh, yes, this happens every year without me realizing it's going to happen. It's a doozy.
Tomorrow is Dallin's birthday. He would be 11. It's also Mother's Day. Bittersweet. We had his graveside service and burial the Saturday after he was born and the next day was Mother's Day. That was hard. 11 years later it is still bittersweet but now there is much more sweet than bitter. Time does heal...never all the way, but it sure helps. And having three other happy, healthy children is really a miracle in my eyes. They help tremendously, too, although they have never and could never replace Dallin. I'm happy to say that I have four children. That's what I always wanted. I'm happy that the other three know all about him and can't wait to see him again. I'm happy to be able to celebrate Mother's Day tomorrow with a smile on my face and love in my heart for all of my children and for the honor it is to be their mother. And I'm happy that we can take flowers and the pinwheels that the kids picked out to the cemetery tomorrow. It will be a special time.
Last year, for his 10th birthday, I was going to make a blog post but I never did because I was afraid of the emotions. Today I'm going to make it. You see, I was a pretty normal weight when I was pregnant with Dallin...small and cute. After he was born, since I had no baby to nurse, the weight stayed put and somehow (though I barely remember eating for the next two months) I added much more. For all these years I've carried that weight around. Oh, I've dropped some pounds in the past, only to have my fertility jump-started and get pregnant and put it right back on. But I think I've carried it around because of the emotional baggage that I have from our loss. I decided that for his 10th birthday it was finally time to say good-bye to the weight and, thus, round out my healing. But I guess it just wasn't time. Now it's time. Doing Zumba twice a week and Curves three times a week is making me feel better about myself and my body again. I've got some seriously killer muscles under all this fat! :-) When I started on the Curves machine for the first time, the trainer asked if I was an athlete. I told her I used to be a professional dancer and she said she could tell. That made me feel good. I'd love to have my dancer body back. And, finally, 11 years later, I'm ready to face the challenge of letting go of the weight and letting go of the hurt.
5 comments:
Hugs to you, my friend. That must be very painful. I hope that you can find the healing that you are seeking and I look forward to reading more about this chapter in your life.
What a beautiful post, Memory. Happy birthday to sweet Dallin! I hope you have a wonderful day today and know how much you are loved and admired. I'm so thankful for all you have taught me.
Thinking of you today and your sweet Dallin boy. Happy Mother's day to one of THE best moms I know. You are the truest of friends and have more love and understanding than anyone I know coupled with your amazing sense of humor, you are a triple threat! Yea for your dancing muscles! Lots and lots of love!
Sweet post Memory. Thank you for sharing that, it is very touching. I am so grateful for the knowledge that the gospel give us times like these. You are an amazing mom and I am sure Dallin is as anxious as you to meet again. Love you.
What a sweet post- what an experience to live through. You are such an amazing person- you have so much to offer others. My heart breaks at your loss, but I am so very impressed at how you dealt, and continue to deal with it. You are sincerely a Valiant Spirit. And you are beautiful- I love watching you teach Zumba! You make me almost like exercise again!
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