Tender Heart

I remember feeling, before Evan was born, that I was going to have to work really hard to "include" Dallin in our family as far as our other kids were concerned.  That it might be awkward and they would never feel love for him the way Michael and I love him.  The past month or so have been so eye-opening and wonderful for me because of some things going on with Evan.  I wanted to share those things, mostly so I don't forget and I can have a record of it.  If only I could see what he sees, hear what he hears, and know what he knows...

Of course, Dallin has always been a big part of our lives.  But it's not like we talk about him on a daily basis or anything.  We go to the cemetery on his birthday.  Sometimes we look through "his" scrapbook.  Evan has asked a lot of questions about him over the last year or so and we've done our best to answer those.  And the woman who started the infant loss support group here in Portland, called Brief Encounters, even wrote a book called Someone Came Before You, for children who are born after the child who dies.  It is such a great book!  So sometimes we read him that book and we talk about Dallin.

Anyway, in the last month or so, it has really been Evan starting up conversations about Dallin.  And there has been so much said that I don't remember.  I wish, now, that I had kept a log of all of the things he's said.  At least every other day, he wakes up from his nap, looking kind of sad.  When I ask him what's wrong, he says, "I just miss Dallin."  The first few times after hearing this, I started to get a little bit concerned.  In the back of the book mentioned above, it says, to the parents, "It is important to remember that this is your grief, not theirs.  Your younger children will receive the story about a brother or sister who died only as a part of the family story, not as a reason for them to experience sorrow or grief."  I wondered if I say things or do things that put pressure on Evan to "feel" this grief.  I quickly realized that I definitely don't.  So I felt better.  But I still wondered what was going on.

He has also said, many times, "I'm disappointed that Dallin isn't here with us."  One day we were all sitting around the table, eating, and really enjoying each other's company.  I commented that it was so nice to have everyone there and that we were having so much fun together.  And Evan said, "But somebody is missing.  Dallin is missing."  He's the one that brings it up.  We were at a park on Saturday and Evan was climbing around a tree.  He called me over because he wanted to say a prayer.  I told him to go ahead.  He thanked Heavenly Father that he was able to be strong and we could have a fun time.  A couple of minutes later he called me back over for another prayer (not normal behavior, by the way).  This time he said, "Dear Heavenly Father, I wish that Dallin was here to play with us and do lots of things with us.  Please bless him until he comes back to us..."  Well, if that don't turn on the emotional faucet...

One night he was just really upset about Dallin not being with us.  He absolutely insisted that he have a picture of Dallin before he could go to sleep.  I found him one that had been on my desk at Unum.  It was very, very special to him and I think he ended up sleeping with it half the night until Michael took it and put it on his dresser because of very sharp corners. 

So, I've been trying to ask him, without putting my ideas into his head, why he's so sad about Dallin...why he's thinking about him so much...just what's going on.  As far as I can tell, he's having dreams about him.  A couple of times after his naps, he has walked right past me working at the computer, gotten Dallin's scrapbook down and looked through the whole thing, all by himself.  He says he sees him when he's dreaming and then misses him when he wakes up.  Again, oh how I wish I could see what he, in his innocence, gets to see.  But then it gets me to thinking about all the people who do not believe that they will see their loved ones again who have passed on.  That they are gone forever.  I'm so grateful to know that that is not the case, and that we will see them again.  Evan understands so much about the plan of salvation and resurrection because of Dallin.  That's really neat to see.  He wants to know when and how he will get to see his brother again.

So, it appears that I will not have to force the issue with the kids that they have an older brother.  They already know and he is just as much a part of our family, to them, as they are.  I think that's wonderful.  Today Maren was holding Dallin's picture and she said, "Baby.  Dallin.  Sleep."   But only till we meet again, son.