It is really, really hard to believe that Dallin would've turned 8 years old today. That's a big deal for us Mormons, as he would be getting baptised now. It made the day very bittersweet. It's interesting how his birthday creeps up on me. Last night I was at my Young Women's activity and I was just in a funk. I couldn't concentrate. Didn't really feel like chatting. Just wanted to go home and lay down for no apparent reason at all. Then I realized that this happens every year. I think that whether I'm conscious of it or not, I am playing back in my mind what I was going through at this time 8 years ago. When I realize that, and how it affects me, I put a lot less pressure on myself to act normal and like everything is fine around his birthday. It's just a hard time for me.
So, today, like all of his birthdays, we went to the cemetery. For some reason, every year, it is a big hassle. We don't plan very well or something. This year we got a very late start. Evan sat in some bark dust at the store we stopped at on the way. Michael was pulling slivers out of him for about 30 minutes while Evan just wailed and wailed. By the time we got stopped to pick up flowers and "lunch" (which turned out to be kind of yucky granola bars), it was already 1:30, half an hour past nap time, and Maren was asleep in the back. Then I'm thinking oh great, she's not going to sleep when we get home and I'm not going to get my work done. Anyway, it's always a stressful day and I'd like to just sit and think about Dallin and all of the experiences we had with him. The beautiful thing is that when we got to the cemetery, all of the stress melted away. We sat on a blanket and looked through Dallin's scrapbook. Michael read Evan copies of the letters that Michael and I wrote to Dallin to put in his casket. Michael cleaned up his grave marker and the boys took care of the flowers. Maren enjoyed the birds all around. It was a really nice time. We sure miss that boy and can't wait to see him and love him. Evan can't wait either. When we mentioned maybe going to the cemetery tomorrow instead of today, because of all of our fiascos, he completely lost it and said we had to go today. In his prayers lately, he's said things like, "Heavenly Father, we miss Dallin. We want him to come alive again." Although he realizes it will be a while and has said things like, "we just have to wait 60 years, Mom." Too right, son. :-)
This is a tangent, but you know how you mentally prepare for things before they happen and plan how you're going to react? Well, every time I think about us having a house fire and having to get us all out, I think grab the kids and the only possession I care about getting is Dallin's scrapbook. Because of that, I realized today that I should scan in those pages and maybe put them on the blog. I think I'll do that tomorrow. We'll see. I have a lot more stuff to blog about since I've been so unfaithful. Right now it's either blog, work or sleep. We'll see what wins out tomorrow.
6 comments:
Memory this is such a sweet post. Thank you for sharing it. I love your tradition of going to the grave each year on his birthday. Thank goodness for eternal families. You have such a beautiful family and your children are lucky to have the two of you for parents.
Wow, Mem, what a beautiful post. And Happy Birthday to sweet Dallin. Thank you for sharing such sweet and sacred memories and experiences. You are amazing.
You are the best, sweetest person and mother ever! I still wonder how you do all that you do...you are so busy, yet so willing to serve where you can! I wish I could have met Dallin...especially if he was anything like your other two perfect children. But, what a great thing to know that he's up there in the Celestial kingdom cheering you guys on!
What a sweet post! My mom says she goes through the same funk every year too. She doesn't even realize it until it's upon her. I think you're right in letting yourself have some time to just sit and think and maybe get in a funk! Hang in there! I've always marveled at your strength.
Ohhh, my heart breaks for you whenever you have to think about what could have been. You have always had the most amazing strength and perserverance. Aren't you so glad you know Dallin is yours forever! Your sweet kids make the time till then not so hard. Love you.
all i can say is thanks for sharing such a personal thing with all of us. it helps me to gain a tiny tiny bit of understanding for a very big part of your life. thanks for letting us 'mourn with those that mourn,' for lack of a better phrase. a hug from me!
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