Oregonian Special Report

I'm not sure where to start with this. There are a whole lot of emotions that go into this post and some of you may be surprised to read some things I may say here after so many years. But I feel really strongly that I should share this. Michael and I were introduced to a support group for bereaved parents of pregnancy and infant loss after Dallin was born. It is called Brief Encounters. It is a wonderful organization and provides a lot of therapy for parents who have had babies die, in that you realize you are not alone and it is safe to talk about your child who died because there is so much empathy in the room. So, in this month's Brief Encounters newsletter I learned about a special report that The Oregonian did called When a Baby Dies. You can find it here. I have read and listened to most of what is on these web pages and they really hit home. Dallin would be eight years old this coming May but when I think about him or read stories of other parents losing their children or see pictures of babies who have passed, the pain sometimes comes flooding back as heart wrenching and raw as the day he was born. There is nothing in the world like losing a child. And although it is nice to know that we are not alone, I don't want anyone else joining this club. I read stories of perfect strangers losing their babies and my heart aches for them and their loss as if it were my own. I just don't deal well with babies dying. And you may think that after all these many years, I would have a better grip on it.

Anyway, I don't want this post to be so long that people stop reading. What I want to say is that there is some really good information on The Oregonian's website to help people better understand what it feels like to lose a baby. And while I don't want anyone else to ever really feel it, I know, personally, how important it is that the people around me have been and are still understanding of what I went through and go through still. I'm pretty sure that almost all of us will be affected by the loss of a baby at some time in our lives. For most people, it won't be their own. But, as one of the articles states, one in 200 births are stillbirths. Then you also have the babies who die shortly after birth due to defects and conditions that take their lives. That's a lot. And the understanding of friends and family members can really help pull these parents out of their darkness. So, as many of you will be faced with dealing with a family member or a friend who is grieving, I urge you to take some time, if you have any available to peruse through this information. It could really make all the difference to someone you love.

As I am an emotional wreck right now and my feelings are very tender, I want to express my gratitude for our son, Dallin. He was our first, who we were so excited for. He brought so much joy to our lives and made our marriage even stronger in his death. Although probably my deepest desire in life is that I could have Dallin to raise, I realize that our family is what it is now, and we have the love for each other that we do, because we have lost. I am deeply grateful for Michael who, still today, stops when he sees me crying and throws his arms around me and lets me cry. He's been doing it for nearly eight years now and I'm sure it will continue for another eight or more. Thank you, Mikey. And how could I live without Evan and Maren? Losing Dallin has made me realize the incredible blessing that children are. Of course we have our bumpy days but I feel a connection to these kids that I would've never though possible. It's a d0uble-edge sword, though, because watching them grow up makes me realize what I have missed out with Dallin. When you're pregnant, you don't envision what your baby is going to look like when it is born. Well, you do. But you also have dreams of the 5th birthday party. And you wonder if he'll be into playing the piano or playing soccer. You dream about him coming home from school and talking with you at the kitchen table, graduating from high school, getting married. You wonder if his hair will be red or brown, curly or straight. So much to lose when you lose a baby.

Finally, I hope that if you have a friend or family member who experiences a loss that you will, of course, give them understanding and, most importantly, let them talk about their child. As about their baby by name. This is the most therapeutic of all. The worst thing is to feel like everyone is ignoring the fact that you have a child who lived and died. It's so helpful to know that you're not alone going through a loss like this. Please let them know that there are resources such as Brief Encounters and wonderful books to read. If you ever want any other information, please let me know. One of the ladies in the video on the website said she has a sign on her desk that says, "If you talk about my child, you may make me cry. If you don't, you will break my heart." Please remember that when faced with the loss of a child of someone you love. It will make all the difference to them.

Thanks for reading. I feel better.